....I will have missed OBX marathon.
I have only registered and missed one race since I began doing road races and that was an Iron Girl 10k in Seattle. I registered but for some reason I decided to go home to OK to see my family that weekend instead. Missing that 10k was hard....missing this marathon is down right depressing. On one hand, I am proud of myself for making the smart choice to sit this one out. But, yes there is alway a but, on the other hand I am totally disappointed in myself for letting my training slip, for just not doing it. Each and every day I made the conscious decision to not follow my plan. I kicked my shoes under my bed, or maybe in my closet (it's bad that I have no idea where my running shoes are) and just ignored them. They would call to me and I would cover my ears. And squeeze my eyes shut. And rock back and forth....ok not quite that bad but you get the drift.
A few things are going on here.
FIRST: My flame is so weak, although it gets going at times-see Tuesday's post-but it just has nothing to sustain it for more than one teeny tiny moment. I have lost my mojo, my spark, my desire. I know where it is and why it has gone and I can't really beat myself up for it.
I had a dream that I was walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. Weird I know. I hear a voice that said to me, "You are in the Valley of the Shadow of Death." And I looked around and it was beautiful. Green and lush. But it was dark and in the shadow of a very large mountain that looked cold and smokey. It was weird but I knew in my dream that I had to just keep walking, away from the mountain and out of the valley. I knew once I got out of that valley every thing would be different. So I walked....with the tune of Gansta's Paradise thumping in my dream. I know it just sounds crazy but I feel like this dream pretty much sums up where I am right now. Everything around me is beautiful and good, but I am in a dark shadow. I'll get through it, it's just a shadow, if I keep moving.
SECOND: I kinda like tri's now, like I like them more than just road races-and yes, I did say "just road races". The road running here in this part of the state I live in is, how do I say this...lacking, disappointing, lame, boring, not satisfying....I have tried for over a year. I got here on October 20, 2010 and have been tying to keep my flame going since then. It has been a struggle with the lack of sidewalks, road shoulders, trails, running partners, you name it. To put it plain and simple-I was spoiled by the PNW. Running will never be the same for me. Period. The only thing that came close to filling the void of my running buddies, routes, and favorite races of Washington is the triathlon scene here in NC. That lit a fire in me and I was happy this summer. I felt the rush of energy as I held on for dear life-literally-down hills on Nelly CIRN, as I swam through flailing arms, and I collapsed crossing the finish line. So maybe I have truly been taken to the dark side....triathlete. I can't wait until tri season rolls around again! But I don't think this means I can't enjoy a road race here and there.
THIRD: Absence of racing. I haven't done a race since my last triathlon in mid August. Even that one was not supposed to be my last. I had a few more on the calendar after that but once school started and my job kicked in life got difficult to juggle. But either way I have an urge to race. I should be racing tomorrow but I'm not. You, or at least I, can't just show up for 26.2. I think the next race I'll do is Ryan's Reindeer 5k in December. We did this one last year and it was fun. So I'm looking forward to it.
FOURTH: I need new shoes. I miss my Asics Kayano. My Saucony's have been nice but I think I have heard my feet complaining and I swear my left one said something about the good ole days with Kayano....So maybe it's time.
SO there you have it....my true confessions this OBX Eve....man, I sure wish I was lacing up for the marathon tomorrow. Guess I'll have to wait until April 29, 2012.
So any true confessions out there? Did my dream totally creep you out? Or maybe you have had dreams that you could analyze perfectly, where you knew exactly what it was telling you?